Butting heads with your beau!
Hi everyone – I’m back in 2019 with another blog post! It’s crazy now that we’re at the end of January and my wedding is happening in six months! It felt so far away when I started these posts.
This month I’ll be talking about butting heads with your beau! Of course, there will be times when you disagree with your partner on wedding decisions – the number one thing I recommend is COMMUNICATION. Karma and I had several discussions after our engagement about what we wanted our wedding to look like, the budget, the schedule, the theme etc. We were both really clear about what we wanted and lucky that for the most part we agreed – we didn’t want a luxurious, over the top type wedding. We wanted something simple, beautiful, and reflective of us and our love for each other. We started bouncing a lot of ideas off of each other really fast and of course we disagreed on a lot, and it wasn’t always pretty. Just like everyone else, we’re not perfect and there were times it was very stressful but, we knew we wanted a wedding and we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives so we had to get through it, and we did.
Things changed so much from venues, decor, themes, etc – all for different reasons. Although that was frustrating at first, it helped us realized we needed to be really realistic and not get too close to any particular idea because chances are it would have to iterate in some way for some reason. The number two thing I recommend: BE OPEN TO CHANGE. Have multiple ideas of possibilities of what you could want. That way, if you or your partner need to compromise, you’re already in the head space that change could happen AND you already have some other ideas that you’re comfortable with. Trust me, you won’t be able to get everything you see on Pinterest (unless you’re super rich) so just be aware of that now and be open to the idea that you can have an awesome wedding without every bell and whistle. Do your research, spend the hours looking at different venues, price ranges, decor companies etc, and have at least 2-3 different options ready in case your partner doesn’t agree to what you want.
Third: DEAL WITH PROBLEMS RIGHT AWAY. Everything Karma and I have an issue about something we talk about it almost immediately. Wedding planning is very stressful; so many emotions are involved and it’s one thing after another. It’s so much smarter to get arguments/frustration out of the way as disagreements arise as opposed to letting things fester and having them potentially affect the next decision you’re making. Karma and I apply this in our normal communication as well – we never got to bed angry and as soon as we notice a fight coming on, or tense feelings, one of us begins to diffuse the situation immediately. It’s really helped us focus on our love for each other and not singular issues that will probably blow over. Of course if it’s a big issue there may need to be multiple conversations but again, we try to have these as soon as we can because letting things bottle up is never a good idea. We work so hard on our communication because we both communicate differently so, it was important for us to acknowledge this and try to have open conversations about disagreements knowing that no matter what there was a solution and we’d get there.
Which brings me to my fourth tip: BE POSITIVE. Wedding planning is supposed to be fun! This is one of the most important days of your life, every decision made should be a happy one! Try to approach every situation with positivity and love, even if you disagree with someone (whether it’s your partner or whoever) try not to be sassy, or have attitude, or be a bridezilla – life’s too short. The day will be wonderful no matter what so just relax, approach every decision optimistically and if your partner ever slips into the negative zone bring them up! Remind them that this is supposed to be a happy experience and there’s no point in showing unnecessary negativity anywhere – things will work out, maybe not always exactly what you envisioned, but that’s life! The important thing is that you’re marrying the love of your life right? At the same time as this is one of the most important days of your life, do you know what’s more important? THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. So it’s also really integral that you don’t stress these issues and let them put a strain on the relationship. It’s okay if the flowers are red instead of pink, it’s okay if your mother-in-law wants saag paneer and you want paneer tikka, it’s okay if you want to hire a bhangra dance performance and your partner doesn’t. At the end of the day are those things going to affect the rest of the amazing life you’re going to have with your partner? No. So how about we let these small things go and focus on the big picture and the whole point of your wedding – starting the rest of your life.
As you can probably tell my overall theme here and fifth suggestion is COMPROMISE. For the rest of your life you’re going to be living with your partner, a separate human being who probably won’t always want exactly what you want. I’ve learned that part of being a partner and an adult is sharing others experiences and compromising. Straight up: you can’t ever always get you want want – not at school, not at work, not at home and certainly not in life. Yes, your wedding is important but it’s also important to your partner and their opinion matters. As partners it’s our job to understand our significant others’ experiences and how it shaped them to be who they are, choose what they like and form their opinions. Guaranteed their experiences aren’t the exact same as ours so, how can we expect them to concede and like everything we like? It’s just not realistic. Karma and I have both had to compromise so much throughout this process and, what our wedding looks like now is almost nothing like we originally planned it, but that’s okay because at the end of the day it’s going to be beautiful – we know that, we’re going to be so happy – we know that and we’re going to be together forever – we know that for sure. So, what else really matters?
Lastly, here’s a mini suggestion, number six: having a wedding planner/coordinator is an amazing resource (if you can afford it) and a neutral third party that will help you figure out if your disagreements are even worth it. Why argue over if you want to throw rose petals or not when your venue strictly prohibits that in the first place? These are the kinds of small details your coordinator will most likely know and can help you avoid butting heads on in the first place! Also, if you’re disagreeing on something and truly need a mediator – your wedding planner is probably better to get advice from because 1) they’re not on either side as a friend or relative (no bias) and 2) they work in the industry and know what the best practices are. This isn’t essential but I know for me, when we were confused about something and it was causing tension, I knew I could call my coordinator to find out what our best options were and she made it really clear what the right decision was. (Shoutout: Susan Ramroop from Beyoutiful Beginnings!!)
I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope everyone’s wedding planning is going well. Full disclosure: we still have SO much left to do but we’re getting a little done day by day and trying to get as much as we can done before our wedding coordinator takes care of the rest in 5 months! Can’t wait to update you again sometime soon – happy planning!
– Shivani xx
